Rich Apple
not gonna put my address on the internet
                  Santa Cruz, CA
                    #####-####
                  November 7 th , 2004

I am writing to you because I find it very likely that my previous letters have not made it to the appropriate department, which is of course Marketing. By your title I can only assume that you are so remarkably high up in the Apple organization that this will seem like small potatoes to you, so I will be very brief in hopes that you'll quickly see the inherent value, and then delegate this to someone with an executive note attached – perhaps something like “Make this happen!”

The simple fact is that Apple Computers should do something to encourage me to become a user of Apple computers because my name is “Apple”. In 1985 I proposed that Apple give me a computer as an organic, natural marketing method that back then didn't even have a name. Now such is called “stealth marketing”, and in this particular instance such would be “stealth” without even the smidgen of a negative image with which such marketing may yet be regarded nowadays.

I'm guessing one who has ascended up the Marketing ladder as you have would only need to put “The guy's name is Apple. He's out there in the public day after day. He's not shy.” together to quickly see the value here. I will, however, enclose copies of my previous letters, going back to 1985, in case you're wondering how I've been trying to make my case.

Congratulations on the continuing success of your company, and thank you for considering this.

Sincerely,

Rich Apple

 
P.S. I am including also a self-addressed, stamped, postcard with pre-written responses from which someone can simply check an option to facilitate doing me the honor of a reply. Thanks!

Postcard consisted of:

Mr. Apple,

o 1. Good news, Mr. Apple. We do see value in bringing an “Apple” namesake in from the cold of “Windows” and “PC Clones”, and we will let you know what we are going to offer.

o 1.a. Yes, we do find your letters mildly amusing, and if you were just a bit more “hip” and a better writer, we'd certainly be courting you for a job in our marketing department.

o 1.b. No, we've not been won over by your attempt at being clever and amusing; our offer will solely be based on smart business principles.

o 2. Sorry. We do not agree that there is even an inkling of marketing value – “stealth”, “peer to peer”, or otherwise – in our giving you a computer or even a discount, and such would hold true even if your last name was a hyphenated “Apple-Jobs-Wozniak”. Yes, we do recommend that you buy an Apple computer and save yourself from the hell that is “Windows”, but please do leave us alone as regards your incessant communications.

o 2.a. Yes, we do find your letters mildly amusing.

o 2.b. No, you're not even funny.

o 3. Please accept this return of your postcard as an official “non-response” because the truth is we're very busy and your stuff goes directly into the recycling bin.